Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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