I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
