My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
