The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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