I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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