I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize