just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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