I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
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i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
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I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
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