I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
