I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
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We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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