Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
