Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
