Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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