You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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