I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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