mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
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You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
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Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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