Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Ladies don't puke and tell
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
