listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
