i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
