11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
