The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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