Swine flu is the new snow day.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.