my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
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All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex