I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises