this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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