my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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