he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
