I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
