Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
