It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
