i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?