I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
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My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
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FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.