I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
