well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
