I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
