i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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