True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
