One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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