Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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