there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
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