Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
