I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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