i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
