it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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