I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
