i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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