i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
