im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
