if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
