when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
