Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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