toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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