You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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