i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
