I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
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....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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