Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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