Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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