I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
