I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
