Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
