Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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